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Alex takes the lead today as we dive deep into the uncomfortable world of shame.

This week’s episode applies the work of Brené Brown, Research Professor in Social Work at the University of Houston. She has been studying shame, courage and vulnerability for decades and much of her work applies to our feelings about money in a big way.

We’ve talked about letting go of shame in a number of episodes, but how can we really do that? Alex talks about what shame really means, how it’s different from guilt, and how to manage it so it doesn’t take over and trash our financial lives.

Our tips:

• Remember you can only mitigate not eliminate shame, and you wouldn’t want to eliminate it because that would make you a sociopath! (Alex keeps saying “psychopath” not “sociopath” in the show. Brené usually talks about sociopaths not feeling shame, but psychopaths lack empathy and shame too!)

• Show courage - open that envelope, check that bank balance

• Change your thinking from “I should” to “I can”. So not, “I should be saving more” but “I can save more”.

• Look for other people’s money stories, there are hundreds of people blogging heir way out of debt and they can help you feel less alone and more courageous about the actions you have to take. You could start with the Money Saving Expert Debtfree Wannabes board.

• Find the statistics from debt advice organisations (e.g. these from StepChange) about how many people they talk to each year, there are so many other people struggling with money that you don’t need to feel it’s just you.

• Be vulnerable - talk about how your feel with people you trust e.g. “I feel uncomfortable when you talk about your holidays because I can’t afford a holiday right now while I pay off my credit card”

• Show compassion for yourself and others. Try to be gentle, understanding and non-judgemental about both your behaviour and theirs. You need compassion to work both ways because if you only show compassion to others and not yourself you will burn out.

• Celebrate the small wins, each time you take a step to improve your situation.

• If you find yourself being self-critical and ashamed, ask yourself whether that critical voice is really your own or whether you’re ashamed because you’re judging yourself by someone else’s standards? Do you respect the person whose judgement you’re trying to live up to?

• Find connections - create a network of people who can support you with whatever you’re feeling ashamed about. Be careful about who you share with because some people won’t be understanding, so if you’re sharing a deep shame you may face hurtful levels of judgement.

• If you have friends who expect you to live up to their lifestyle as a condition on their friendship then it may be time to reconsider that friendship. A person who would shame you about your financial situation might not have your best interests at heart.

• Connect with us! If you were experiencing money shame and we have helped you feel better about it, please let us know. If we haven’t helped you feel better about it yet, but you think we could, please let us know that too. We put this show into the world and hope it means something to you, but we don’t know for sure unless you tell us. You can drop us a line here, leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or your favourite app, and connect with Martha on Twitter @marthalawton.