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This week’s topic is blended families, which is to say families where at least one partner has children from a previous relationship. Our guest is financial adviser and coach Catherine Thomas-Humphreys who specialises in helping parents and families create new, confident, positive money relationships that work for them, to support what they want to really enjoy in life so they can focus on what really matters most to them.
Catherine’s own experiences
Catherine told us about visiting a solicitor as a young single parent looking to nominate legal guardians for her daughter and being shamed and treated rudely in spite of the fact that she was acting responsibly. Similarly, her experiences of visiting a financial adviser after her divorce were deeply uncomfortable and disempowering. She wanted to do will-writing and financial advice in a better, more empathetic way, especially for parents and now she does.
Issues in blended families
Catherine discussed how our legal structures set certain defaults, for example what happens to someone’s money if they die, and these are based on who is related genetically and on marriage. They are not based on who you live with or who you love. People who have been through relationship breakdown often feel afraid of trusting another partner and especially they become wary of getting married. They don’t always grasp the legal protections marriage can offer.
Citizens Advice have more information about how marriage is legally different from living with your partner in the UK.
She talks about having constructive conversations about money in new relationships and how important it is to hold a space and get past the awkwardness of talking about money together, so you can create the right financial systems for your family.
Catherine also talked about how it can be challenging to work out how to treat children from different relationships fairly especially when they are different ages. She says it’s important to consider children’s needs and how to create fair outcomes, not just give them the exact same amounts of money.
For example, if there are children from a previous relationship they might benefit from gifts and a potential inheritance from the ex-partner and their family. If so, you will want to take that into account when balancing what you give them compared with the child you have with your current partner.
She talks about the importance of not trying to please everyone, but instead understanding where you’re not willing to compromise and what’s most important to you.
Catherine favours a balance between separate and joint finances in her family. She says this is a matter of personal choice. Others may prefer to pool everything or keep finances completely separate. Each couple needs to work out what is right for them. The key is to make it a conscious choice.
We discussed the situation when one partner has substantially more income or assets than the other (almost all couples have at least a small difference). There are ways around this, but these need to be understood fully.
For example, if a couple buys a home together and one partner contributes a higher amount to the deposit or mortgage payments, they could buy the house as “tenants-in-common” in England/Wales, which allows them to define who owns what proportion of the property. This can be beneficial, for example if they later sell the property, it’s clear who gets how much of the proceeds. However, if they are married for more than a “medium term” and then divorce the assumption in divorce is that your assets will be split 50:50 as a starting point and the tenants-in-common agreement becomes irrelevant.
Navigating situations where one partner has more wealth or income than the other can be tricky and it is especially useful to have an impartial third party like a coach or adviser to help facilitate these conversations.
We discussed the ways grandparents embrace and exclude children in a blended family who are not their direct descendants. We agreed this was one of the most emotive areas. This tends to show up especially with regards to celebrations and gifts.
Martha suggests checking out this episode with Jane Major on gift-giving.
Catherine says one of the most important ways to manage issues around this is to be clear about your own values here and what you believe to be fair, so you are confident advocating for this.
We discussed key ways financial stress affects relationships. The first is if one partner is financial dependent on the other, they may make choices that are based more on their financial needs than what is best for them and their partner for example, staying in a relationship that is unhealthy for them both.
The second is if financial insecurity is leading to feelings of low self-worth a person may make poor choices because they feel they do not deserve better, and that can include tolerating treatment from a partner that makes them feel even worse.
Catherine uses an exercise to help free up her clients’ thinking if they are feeling stressed about money. First she asks them to imagine how they would respond to scenarios like asking for a pay rise or having to give a gift in their current financial circumstances, then to respond again as if they had no money worries.
Catherine says that in the same way that money stresses can cause issues in relationships, improving a person’s relationship with money can benefit their relationship. She has seen couples become ready to move in together or get married as a result of working on their finances, because of the improved communication and increased ability to give and receive, not just money but love, support and care too.
Catherine shared some tips for preventing conflicts arising around money.
Negotiating the financial aspects of a break up
Catherine says first of all to honour the fact that this is emotive and it’s ok to take a moment to acknowledge how you feel and deal with that first before responding to any question or comment that pushes your buttons.
She says get support from informal circles including other people who’ve been through similarly tough times as well as putting together a team of professionals who can work togerh advocating for you such as solicitors and financial advisers.
Then be really clear about what is most important to you so you know where to compromise and where to stand your ground.
Be aware that your ex is probably also having a lot of difficult feelings too and may not be responding as their best most enlightened selves either.
If you do have a meltdown, forgive yourself and try again.
Negotiating the financial aspects of getting together with a new partner
The sooner you can start talking about openly about money the better. Think about how the relationship will work financially right from the get-go, especially where children are involved.
Remember everyone involved, you, your ex and your new partner, each has their own unconscious money programmes running and affecting how they react to every event.
Look for opportunities for open conversations and shared goals. If those things aren’t present, consider walking away.
Negotiating when an ex gets together with a new partner
Try to have a “channel of civility” where you can communicate about practical matters as effectively as possible.
The challenges often aren’t about the financial aspect but the relational one, for example, the amount of time your child spends with your ex may be reduced.
Sometimes attempting to build a positive relationship with the new partner can be successful.
Pick your battles.
Understand that sometimes you’ll get this wrong, but give yourself grace when this happens.
You can find Catherine at TheFinfluencer.co.uk and she is on Instagram. She is co-host of The Women and Money Cafe.
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